Panic Attack

So it became time to start reading up on children, you know - all those step by step guides....

Off to the library I went and got some really nice ones. I started reading here and there but last night I really got stuck into them. Learned truck loads and all of a sudden a lot of things made sense and I understood some things better. Then I hit the section about discipline and raising great balanced children.All of a sudden my throat closes and my heart starts beating slowly and heavily and I can not breathe. The mother of all panic attacks!!!!

Reading up and having watched Super Nanny it felt like this mammoth mountain of discipline that I need to conquer. What if I do not remember all the advice, I am renown for my own outbursts, how will I react to her and her`s? I do not want to raise an ax murderer. I want a little girl that will be well behaved and loved by all. I am going to be a full time working mom but the books make it seem like you have to spend all your time with your child to ensure they are happy well balanced kids - well at least till they am 3.

I am overreacting in a big way and I was just as surprised by my panic attack from no where. BUT I shall endeavor to keep a note book and to write down all the advise that I really find useful and by that start to build my own little reference guide. I will start praying now for guidance, patience and insight to be the best mom that I could be. I know I will make mistakes and I pray that she will grant me the space to make them in the same way that I pray to allow her hers and that we will both become gracious enough to accept each other`s faults and that our bond and love will conquer it all.

Hectic melodrama!!!
I shall look back at this one day and giggle.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women,
who never knew each other,
One you do not remember,
the other you call mother.

Two different lives,
shaped to make your one...
One became your guiding star,
the other became your sun.

The first gave you life and
the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,
the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent,
the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,
the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
the other dried your tears.

One gave you up ...
that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child
and God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me,
through your fears,
the age old question
unanswered throughout the years...

Heredity or environment,
which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling neither.
Just two different kinds of love.....

~Unknown~

THAT movie

So we went to see the latest star-studded movie "What to expect when Expecting".
WARNING! Big rant session is about to start!

My husband actually mentioned this in his blog and it got me thinking, and brooding and now ranting!
What a load of rubbish!!!!

When you adopt you definitely do not just have a home visit and have to produce your wedding photo to a non-interested social worker! This movie makes a mockery of the process and Hollywood is not helping to promote adoption or to portray a trustworthy insight into the process and how special it is.

The very first thing that really ticked me off was how they portrayed the adoptive father to be. How wrong did they not get this character. You don`t just decide to adopt out of thin air and then claim not to be ready for it! There are several years of trying unsuccessfully to conceive, then there is the tests and the spermiograms and inseminations and IVF and everything that goes hand in hand with those procedures. You kind off want to be committed already when you walk down this road..

Then you grieve your infertility and all the emotions that you experience with that loss and only after all that does the penny drop that adoption might just give you this child that you know desperately want. Believe me, you are more than committed to do whatever it takes! A husband is the one that keeps it all together, that are the strong one, the one that holds and comforts and wipes away your tears and tells you everything will be all right. He is definitely NOT the one soliciting conflict.

Then there is the social workers. There is no cold heartedness at all. We only ever experience passion for the  process and the people involved. Not only are they there for the birth mother and baby but also for us the adoptive parents. Definitely another miss from the movie`s producers!

What crap did they portray at the end of the movie when this couple receive their baby? This sentimental ceremony only Hollywood can produce. Did they even do any research into how these things are really done?  A huge thumbs down!!!

When you get pregnant naturally you needn`t prove that you can actually afford this baby nor do you have to complete endless paperwork asking you to produce everything short of your DNA chain. You don`t have to go for psychometric tests and interviews with a psychiatrist. Who gives a toss if you are a weirdo or a paedophile when you can conceive naturally? Nor do you have to prove how good your marriage is or how strong your relationship is. Nobody asks if your home is suitable or not. Nobody needs to give you a character reference or five.

Yet we do not mind. We jump through the hoops that needs jumping and we do this with the absolute conviction that we will be regarded good enough to receive the greatest gift anyone can give us! That we will become the parents we do desperately want to be and can not wait to become. There is no self doubt just utter excitement. There is no marital conflict. Only hope and trust in the Lord that there is a plan for our lives and that it will include our own bundle of joy.

Die einde is in sig, amper...

Hierdie week het ons TWEE belangrike oproepe gekry. Die een van die maatskaplike werker om ons tuisbesoek te bevestig en die ander een wat die datum van ons paneelonderhoud bevestig. Dit is vir my twee groot mylpale want die einde is nou in sig. Einde volgende maand is ons amptelik "swanger" en dan is die helfde van die wagtyd verby. Eintlik is dit dan eers die begin van die amptelike wag periode maar ek dink aan myself as `n optimis!

Dit voel vir my alles begin nou saamspan vir hierdie  "geboorte". Die rekeninge is klaar betaal hierdie maand, die kredietkaarte kom mooi af alhoewel hulle weer uitgemax gaan word vir daardie pram en karstoeltjie.Dalk is dit meer `n gevoel as ietsie anders of dalk is dit net my verbeelding omdat ek dit so graag wil glo. Maar dinge voel vir my reg, vir die eerste keer in baie maande.

Geen groot opwinding in die retail departement nie.
Absoluut geen vordering met die babakamer nie.
Talle idees, dinge om te doen lysies en projekte in my kop maar geen tydlyn nie.
Dalk is dit die weer wat maak dat ek bietjie stadiger as gewoonlik is.......

En nou blog Kobus ook!!!

Ek is so opgewonde! Na weke se nag aan Kobus om ook te blog het hy vanoggend die pen opgeneem of eerder die keybord nader getrek en begin skryf. Ek het hom met niks gehelp nie, hy het self sy blog gebou en begin tik. Well done babes!

Kliek hier om te lees:
http://www.dadsguidetoadoption.blogspot.com

So True - from Trinity Heart

Klaasvakie

Twee groot goed het vandag gebeur wat gedokumenteer moet word! Ek het my Clicks Baby Club lidmaatskap en afslagbewyse gekry en ons het Sussie se slaapplekkie aanmekaar geslaan.

Sussie se slaapplekkie! Moet nog die valletjies mooi uit stoom.

Kobus hard aan die werk en vreeslik vies oor ek soos `n chinese tourist  staan en fotos neem.

Kattie het ook kom hand bysit, of eerder hooghartig die saak kom uitruik en toe met minagting weggeslenter:)

I am certified!

So off we went for our Psychometric tests and two orientation sessions. I did not sleep at all the night before the appointment and I packed my overnight bag just in case I got rushed off to Valkenberg after the psychologist got hold of me. I did however read up about these tests and how best to jippo them. I am happy to report that together with the overnight bag I had a back up plan! If I had to bend the truth so be it.....

Alita was as nice as can be and hubby cracked a few jokes at her expense (again :D) I have to say the actual test was a joke and a child could have jippo-ed them with ease, so nothing exciting to report there! I aced it!  When it came to the personal interview my game plan was to be weary with the amount of info I give and not to be too forthcoming and just to stick to the question and immediate answer. Ag what a joke!!!! With the very first question the walls came tumbling down and I chirped like a canary!!! It was so embarrassing!!!
The worst is that she actually told me after an hour that our time was up! I mean hell, is she not suppose to be thorough here, whatever it takes? Is it not in the best interest of my child that she knows it all????
Obviously she heard enough to reach a verdict and I was whisked away for coffee while she penned down her "observations", read our letters and viewed our profiles.

Obviously I needed to know how soon I will be admitted for further questioning and treatment and much to my delight she declared us sane enough to be given a child! Hells bells what a relief, did wonders for my somewhat wobbling self image! No fibs needed, I passed the test with and including all the skeletons that came tumbling out!

Then we had the most amazing session with our social worker who explained to us how to bond with our new baba and the reactions, emotions or the lack thereof we could expect. I was mesmerised to say the least. I am so reading more about this!!! How in awe am I that God created woman in such a special way that it will only take around 3-4 days for my body to realise I am a mommy and then to respond in exactly the same way that a biological mom`s body would. Watch this space as I am sure that I will be chatting about this subject again.....

The second subject covered the much stressed about subject of telling our princess her story and how to deal with the questions she most definitely will throw at us. What an amazing journey we will walk with her and I am stunned at the advice we got and how we will definitely go about guiding her with this difficult issue. We are now much more at ease and I just pray that I remember everything the SW said. If not the poor woman will most definitely be harassed via email and should she not respond quickly enough, by phone then:)

So all that is left now is a home visit and the panel interview. In my books we are home free and hubby is so excited that he insists that we unpack the cot and get going. The wait is far from over but the end is in sight!

Wherever you are dear princess, mommy and daddy is certified sane and waiting for you!

When people talk about you

It is difficult enough to suspect/know that people are gossiping about you but that can be sorted with a good old attitude adjustment.  When 5 of the people that you trust the most have to write character references about you then it goes and sits in your clothes.

This week our references were emailed to ask for their input about us as a couple and our suitability  as adoptive parents and I hated every minute of it. It is the most awkward position to be in. Are you super duper nice to that person now or do you just ignore the subject? Do you send flowers or just a note to say thank you?
How do you let that person know how much you appreciate the time they took to help us? I`ve never been in such a position and I don`t think I handled it all that well.

Being an uber control freek I never let a precious situation in the hands of another and I never leave anything to chance so this was yet another test from the Lord and another personal hurdle for me to conquer. I leave this blog post knowing that I did not do so well this time round but that the worst is over and next time I will be better equipped or more gracious to do a better job of it.

Stadig maar seker

Ek het nie op die oomblik die mees stresvolle werk nie, met die gevolg dat ek baie tyd het om die internet te surf en oor allerhande dinge te lees. En ek lees ure lank!!! Oor alles en nog wat!

Toe ons met die hele proses begin het was ek min gespin oor die fisiese versorging van sussie of oor wat ek gaan nodig hê om haar groot te kry. Daar was net twee dinge op my brein; cute klere en haar kamer. Ek het net aanvaar dat manlief, met al sy baie baba ondervinding, sal weet wat om te doen en ek hoef nie te wonder en te stres nie. So ek het nie.

Maar...
Die laaste twee weke of so vang ek myself dat ek voor die baba rakke staan en nie `n clue het wat ek moet koop nie. Dischem is die mees intimiderendste van almal! Het jy al die omvang van die baby wipes rak gesien?
En dit is net die baby wipes! Dan praat ons nie eens van die res van die oneindige lys van opsies nie. En doeke....ek meen daar is so baie opsies en wat is nou eintlik die verskil tussen hulle? Is die basiese doelwit nie om die weewee te vang nie? Vang een doek, regtig, die poepse beter as die ander?

So besluit ek dan dat natuurlike biologiese moeders nie meer die vyand kan wees nie want ek het raad nodig. Ek sal die nare gedagtes opsy moet skuif en vra! (Die oorsprong van die wrewel is mos maar omdat hulle kon en ek kan nie eens met hulp dit regkry nie:) Hoe stupid die vrae ook al mag wees, as ek die regte storie wil hoor sal ek ma die humble pie moet eet!

Natasha is `n mamma van `n 3ling dogters wat ook met die hulp van Dr. Shuda swanger geraak het en sy was daar vir my elke treë van my eie behandeling. So tegnies gesproke was sy nie regtig deel van vyand nie. Anyway daar pak ek die bul by die horings en twee ure later het ons sekere voorkeure. 

Hier volg;

Pampers 

Bennet`s Bum Cream

Johnson`s se Lavender Top to Toe Wash

Actually like ons nou enige Johnson`s wat `n pomperige ding het.

Angel Care Baba monitor - `n nuwe ene!

Tommy Tippee bottels

Oja en ek gaan my babaklere in wit asyn uitspoel en nie met Staysoft nie. Dit was `n nuwe een vir my!

Ek is nog 100% in denial oor setpille. Met tyd kom raad hoop ek!! 

Die verdict is egter nog uit oor `n dummy (ek haat `n dummy) en teething beads. Sussie sal blykbaar self haar voorkeur aandui. Ons gaan ook geen purity koop nie en ek het myself voorgeneem om self pampoen te kook en alles wat goed en voedsaam is vir haar. Ek meen sy beter `n voorliefde vir pampoen ontwikkel voor sy agterkom ek eet Steers crispy chippies i.p.v skorsies!

Hoewel ek nog steeds eerder babakamers, fancy dress kostuums en kinder partytjies Google is ek al baie beter toegerus vir my wagtende titel as moeder. Hoeveel te meer as jou vriendin vir jou `n gedetaileerde medisyne spreadsheet gee met alles wat jy mag nodig kry. Dit is mos nou die moeite werd om deel te word van daardie secret society van moederskap.

So bewandel ek dan nou hierdie nuwe pad, ietwat onbekend en klein bietjie skrikwekkend, wetende dat ek `n helse ondersteuningstelsel het en `n paar vriendinne/mammas wat ek op speed dial kan hou. Ek haal my hoed af vir julle, dames! Dankie dat julle ons nuwe outjies (skaam, vreemd en onkundig) onder die vlerk neem en al julle kennis en ondervinding deel. Julle is awesome verby!!!!

Verlange

Elke dag wat verby gaan vang ek myself dat ek na jou verlang. Dit is `n ander verlang.... nie die verlang wat ek voel vir my ouers of die seuns of vir Kobus as hy weg gaan nie, maar `n ander soort verlang wat ek nie ken nie.

Dit is ook nie `n verlange wat ek deel nie. Dit is net myne. Verlange vir jou omdat ek weet jy is daar buite my skat. Dalk is jy al in jou magie-mamma, warm en knus of dalk is jy al veilig by `n kangeroe mamma of dalk is jy nog net deel van die Vader se plan vir my lewe, maar ek weet jy is veilig en jy is gelukkig.

Ek velang om jou gesiggie te sien. Ek verlang om jou storie te hoor en om deel te word van jou reis hier op aarde. Ek verlang om saam met jou te speel en vir jou nuwe avonture te laat beleef. Ek verlang om jou te sien speel op jou stage wat ek besig is om vir jou te bou.Ek verlang na jou armpies om my nek terwyl jy liefdetjies in my nek soen.

Waar jy ook al is op jou reis, my liefiekind, ek wag vir jou, en pappa wag vir jou, en ons kan nie wag om jou deel te maak van ons gesin en ons liefdeskring nie. Ek bid dat Liewe Jesus jou altyd styf sal vashou en jou veiling tot by ons sal bring.