A tiny heart....

When I am upset and confused my world comes to a standstill and I think of nothing else. When a little heart is turned upside down and gets confused, how do they deal with it when there is not a mommy around to hug and make it all better?

This weekend I had two, tiny little hearts that was upset and confused. None of whom could express their feelings in words. Janke was upset by the presence of a little boy  that she did not know and that took a lot of mommy`s time. Time that is usually devoted only to her. I had a little boy on a big adventure that did not understand why he suddenly spend so much time with strangers. A little boy that longed for his home in the orphanage, the only place he knows as home and truly feels safe. I am upset with a social worker that should have known better......

My heart is broken because I had such high hopes and they came tumbling down on me. I am upset that my child is upset and I am upset that my household did not cope with another child. I thought we were ready......

Anyway, I pray that I did not break his heart and that he would come to visit again if I promise that this time we will take baby steps.

I still have so many dreams but I received a healthy wake up call. Next time will be better, I promise.....

True words....

Meeting the little man that might become Boeta

Today I walked down my path a few more steps. I spoke with the social worker at our local house of safety and we are going to meet our little man "officially" on Saturday afternoon. I`ve spend most of the afternoon looking at boys` room decor and I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. It is going to look so awesome when it is done.

I have to caution myself that I do not get carried away because there are so many things that might go wrong but I so desperately believe that this little boy will fit in with us and that we can help change his future and love him as much as we love Janke already.

So this is my prayer:

Dear Lord,
You have placed the longing my heart, You have whispered the words in my ear, You have led me to the orphanage, You have placed this little man in my path, please bless us as a new family and work Your magic in his little heart. Take our hands and make us strong enough to conquer whatever life throws at us. Be the centre of our being and the glue to our family circle. We love you and we trust in You.
Amen.

The journeys that we make and the roads that we take

As previously reported, we obtained the forms from our adoption agency and chatted to them about our second adoption. Turns out that you do not get a family discount the second time round and reality is that we just can not afford it right now to even attempt those expenses. The current household budget is just not stretching far enough......

So that left me in a bit of a depression but it is much better than when I did not have a child at all. Janke is such a sunshine child and I am so much in love with her that I do not mind if she is my only blessing. But the fact remains that there is a void in my heart to love a lot more and I just can not get that little huge yearning to back off.  

When we started on the adoption route I wanted to adopt a bigger child simply because there are so many in the system and I really wanted to make a difference is someone`s life. I always felt a bit cheated that Janke came to us brand new - no, cheated is not the word - I felt like a wuss, that I got off easy and without giving anything of myself apart from loving that little angel beyond what I ever thought would be possible. So in the back of my mind I saved a space for the millions of kids that are in the system that so desperately need love and attention.

More so now that I am teaching Sunday school and some of the kids are from the orphanage in town. House of Safety it is called today. Week after week I watch them interact and speak and sometimes I catch 

them longing for something they will (probably) never have. Like this Sunday when I caught this girl looking out a bus window at us faffing over Janke in the rain making sure she remains warm and dry. The brutal desire I saw on that child`s face unsettled me so that I could not get it out of my mind and it firmly remains in the forefront of my thoughts.

So after much conversing with my husband we have decided to explore the option of becoming weekend/holiday parents with the option of fostering sometime in the future. So I chatted with the social worker at the house of safety and she invited me to come and pick up the paperwork. Should have known it is not a great idea to let an impressionable woman loose in a facility like that. 

Anyway, me and my big mouth starts chatting away and the social worker obviously picked up on my not so subtle longing to make a difference. And low and behold she tells me of this little boy aged 4 that is desperate for love and attention but have been in the system since age 2. How the hell do you resist that????

So she takes me to go and meet him - obviously he did not know - we were "visiting the caretaker". 

I found a sweet, shy little boy with a bit of a stutter - a little boy that I can love and nurture.

So after the initial excitement has warned off, the insecurities started. Will this be good for Janke?, will I be able to set the example he so desperately needs?, will I be able to commit for an extended period of time? - you kind of want to be committed with something like this......you are not dealing with a puppy here.......
Will we have extra money to spoil him and let him experience the things that kids will love? Will I be able to deal with the disappointment if he does not become the person I envisioned for him? I am sure if I keep at it the list will get longer and longer and then I will never do it.

So what are we to do....the headgirl in me wants to get with the programme and get going....
For now I have decided to go through the motions and get all the paperwork and approvals done. Once that is in place we will gradually get more involved. I will be spending lots of time in prayer about this. I want to be certain that my heart is in the right place and that there is peace in my heart to deal with whatever is going to come my way.

The one thing that is absolutely certain is that I MUST do something.......no child deserves to be placed in the system and then have to live off scraps of love and attention. Whatever road  I will take to on this journey   have already been paved by the Father and I pray for the commitment and perseverance to walk the talk...... ......