What does pregnant mean?

So we finally got to the end of the red tape and apparently we can regard ourselves now as officially "pregnant". Hmmmmmm....pregnant is such an uneventful piece of glossary in the realm of adoption. Sparks no happy reaction whatsoever nor does it solicit any feeling of anticipation or euphoria. So for all the practical implications that such a term imply lets just refer to us as (official) "parents in waiting".

Three months (four if we count the 6 weeks we had to wait for our orientation) passed in which we had to challenge our beliefs and those of others, had to educate ourselves and others on a very foreign concept, did we shed rivers worth of tears for those that could not manage to change their beliefs and chose to exit our lives because of it, are we celebrating those that did come round (at their own pace) to accept another race into the family and circles of friendship, spend countless hours of introspection, making peace, fighting demons and committing to, and had many many many conversations that brought healing to ourselves and others, created more questions for further introspection and challenged us as a couple to stand up for what we believe is right.

I am proud to say that as a couple we are stronger than before and that this process have deepen our respect for each other and have created a new understanding of each other and the lengths we will go to protect our marriage and the patience we have to grant each other the space we need to deal with grief. We have grown grey hair, have a few new wrinkles and maybe a more cynical smile. We have definitely shed tears not only of heart ache but also because of empathy. We have made and lost friends and family. We dealt with things that have been locked away for many years, aired those rotten skeletons and buried silly fears. Have we finally grown up or did we just shed the luggage?

What I do know is that I am more than ready to embrace the silly things in life. I can not wait to go on the merry go round with my child. Not the roller coasters but the cute little teacups. I want to play dress up, paint and read Whinny the Pooh for hours. I used to stroll around Wetherleys mapping my lifestyle milestones but now I find BabyBoom and Reggies to be the most fascinating places.

Parenthood did not come naturally for us, we had to work hard for it and we had to prove over and over again that we are worthy and able to become parents and to be trusted with this precious gift. This whole process was a fire that tempered us for our future as parents. Cleaning out the cupboards in preparation for this absolute miracle that will join our family. There is no more luggage and demons, just peace and a silence. My soul have come to rest and I know that I am ready for this big responsibility and that motherhood will be my ultimate career. I am empty, not in a barren, infertile way but in silent anticipation of this angel that will come and fill my being. To fill that other part of my heart where Kobus already resides - we are now a family in waiting.