After much anticipation and months of planning, decorating, stress and tears the first birthday party rolled on. It looked just short off spectacular and Madame can never look at the pictures and say that I did not make an effort:) She was a happy little forest nymph in her outfit and she loved the attention and presents. She dealt with the crowds like a royal and when it was time to nap she drifted off like an angel.What a great cherry on the cake!
The birthday party was over a weekend and her actual birthday was a few days later. I wondered how I would feel on her actual date of birth and nothing prepared me for the bee in my bonnet that I did feel. The very first call of the day sent the inner cow jumping the fence. I had no involvement in Janke`s birth and the good wishes I received left me unaffected and actually a bit grumpy. This is her day and hers alone, worst of which she is sharing with another person. A person I don`t know and that is not involved in my our life. For the first time it hit me that I am the other woman.
I can not tell her how her actual birth happened, I can not tell her how it felt - it is the only day in her whole existence that I can not tell her all the details off. I only have facts in a report.......it is something she will share with someone else her whole life.
That left me feeling incomplete for the very first time in this whole infertility adoption process. I felt cheated for the first time and it did not go down well. Big girls down cry and I will just have to get over myself because there is a lifetime of birthdays coming up and I will just have to work this one out for myself. I will have to make her placement date our special day, feels a bit like second best.....
On my mind that day was Janke`s birth mother. Through all of my own insecurities was a very deep compassion for a very young girl that also celebrates her own birthday within two days of her daughter`s. Her own birthday is a sad reminder of the circumstances surrounding both of their birthdays. I had to put my own feelings aside and think of her that will not share the first 18 birthdays, that will not share the first 18 years. At least I get to witness this and play an active role in creating the memories that will stay with her the rest of her life.That makes you step back and revisit the concept of sitting on the sidelines or taking a back seat. I took such a back seat in Janke`s birth (actualy I wasn`t even in the car) but there is also another "other woman" that is taking a back seat to Janke`s life. Then I wonder ...... which is worse.
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