Fragile

My mom is visiting and I am having the most wonderful time with her and my dad. My mom`s arrival however  marked the arrival of the last of the packages for Janke`s room. I ripped the package open with the same enthusiasm that I have on Christmas day and obviously everything got unpacked into her cupboard immediately, leaving her room just a bit bare still. So this morning we were chatting in her room (again) and my mom decided it was time to really get that room sorted. It was time to show some faith!! Faith that I thought I had..
So all the linen got taken out and her bed/cot got made, all her fluffy toys and books got packed into the newly painted bookshelf, the wall decals were put up and we carried in a feeding chair for us. The room was instantly transformed and it really looks like a nursery now. I am madly in love with my daugther`s room and I find every excuse to walk in there and just take it all in again. The first thing Kobus did when he got home tonight was to go and have a look at our baby`s nursery. It warmed my heart so much!!

With this beautifully decorated room the tears and feelings of desperation flooded to the surface again. It feels like we will never get that call. I don`t know why I am so madly clinging to every receipt and the packaging. Am I jinxing us by not wholeheartedly believing that we will be blessed?

Most days I am strong and confident that she is in transit already. I believe that we will be blessed and that all this waiting and fretting will be worth it. But other days, like today, I am just a helpless mess that just can not imagine that I will ever be lucky enough to have my own baby. Two of the ladies that I share a forum with got their calls recently and I know that it is a reality but it just does not seem like MY reality.

I get so nervous and upset when a new lady joins the forum and announce their adoption journey. It feels like  I have to compete with yet another profile and that the waiting pool gets diluted with every passing day. It feels like every day that I do not get "that call" my chances gets slimmer.

Stupid things worry me. Like if the social worker will look after my profile with care and not let the pages get scrunched or the corners bend over. I handled my profile with so much love and I just do not trust any other person to make sure that we get presented in the very best light. Yet, I don`t have any control.

I wrote one of those "please do not forget us" emails to our social worker recently and she replied that they are really trying their best to promote our profile. Did that open a new floodgate of drama! Why did she have to try so hard? Have we not been chosen yet? Why have we not been chosen yet? We are not bad people and I would have chosen us the minute I opened that book. Why are we not being chosen?  What is wrong with us? My hubby had a real hard time calming me down after that one, trying to convince me that they will be as non-committal as possible not to give us any hope. That it is in our best interest. I am still not convinced!

Hope is the one thing that I desperately need right now.
Just one small word of hope to tell me that I have been so lucky to be picked and that in just a small while she will be with us. Kobus is adamant that we must not know anything before the 60 days are up but I am just not sure which is worse. Not knowing at all and constantly wonder and fret or knowing and fretting that the biological mother will withdraw. At least if we knew it is just 60 days and not the infinity we have now.

Any which way I turn today is coloured with my feelings of helplessness and desperation. I pray that the Lord will hear my prayers and feel my tears. My time and His time is not ticking at the same pace......