To Boeta or not to Boeta

So much thinking, discussing, overthinking, soul searching, discussions, mind changes, reality checks and further discussions goes into the subject of having kids that it is actually a tiresome exercise. Further more so when you are adopting and there are added complications to colour in your already hectic looking picture. So when the decision is made you have to time everything right because yet again nothing is in your hands. You have to live 12 - 18 months into the future, start at the actual outcome you desire and then work your way back.  

The fun of trying to make a baby is not your first port of call. Nothing can be further from the truth. We start at the budget and the finances because there are costs involved even before you "try for a baby". When the battle to make the finances work and the mountain of paperwork are being worked through there is not a whole lot of lust or energy left.

It is so different the second time round. With Janke we decided to leave no stone untouched. We were desperate to make it work. We also had the savings to back this feverish need for a child. But a year down the line with a long list of "life just happens" we are in a very different situation. Now paying the services of an adoption agency has to come from the household budget and that is a scary reality that makes your throat pull tight.

When we got the paperwork the first time I completed it that very first night. I was so excited and the A type personality in me needed to get it back to the agency in no time. Now the scary white envelope is lying on the kitchen table and I know that when those forms are completed and submitted I will not be the happy receiver of two pink lines on a pregnancy test but an envelope with a window will be added to the pile already waiting.

I so much want to give Janke a sibling. Someone that looks just like she does. Someone that will hopefully be there for her when we are not able to. Another playmate and hopefully soulmate in the house that she can share with. That will understand when mommy doesn`t. A little brother that will tease and irritate her and mess with her dolls. Another little soul in the house to share our life with.

At the moment the reality is that little brother is a very expensive item that might have to move to the "nice to have" side of the budget. It just breaks my heart......