Her first birthday

After much anticipation and months of planning, decorating, stress and tears the first birthday party rolled on. It looked just short off spectacular and Madame can never look at the pictures and say that I did not make an effort:) She was a happy little forest nymph in her outfit and she loved the attention and presents. She dealt with the crowds like a royal and when it was time to nap she drifted off like an angel.What a great cherry on the cake!

The birthday party was over a weekend and her actual birthday was a few days later. I wondered how I would feel on her actual date of birth and nothing prepared me for the bee in my bonnet that I did feel. The very first call of the day sent the inner cow jumping the fence. I had no involvement in Janke`s birth and the good wishes I received left me unaffected and actually a bit grumpy. This is her day and hers alone, worst of which she is sharing with another person. A person I don`t know and that is not involved in my our life. For the first time it hit me that I am the other woman. 

I can not tell her how her actual birth happened, I can not tell her how it felt - it is the only day in her whole existence that I can not tell her all the details off. I only have facts in a report.......it is something she will share with someone else her whole life.

That left me feeling incomplete for the very first time in this whole infertility adoption process. I felt cheated for the first time and it did not go down well. Big girls down cry and I will just have to get over myself because there is a lifetime of birthdays coming up and I will just have to work this one out for myself. I will have to make her placement date our special day, feels a bit like second best.....

On my mind that day was Janke`s birth mother. Through all of my own insecurities was a very deep compassion for a very young girl that also celebrates her own birthday within two days of her daughter`s. Her own birthday is a sad reminder of the circumstances surrounding both of their birthdays. I had to put my own feelings aside and think of her that will not share the first 18 birthdays, that will not share the first 18 years. At least I get to witness this and play an active role in creating the memories that will stay with her the rest of her life.That makes you step back and revisit the concept of sitting on the sidelines or taking a back seat. I took such a back seat in Janke`s birth (actualy I wasn`t even in the car) but there is also another "other woman" that is taking a back seat to Janke`s life. Then I wonder ...... which is worse.

Opdraendes en Afdraendes

My engelkind is amper een jaar oud en ons beplan woes aan haar verjaardag. Sussa is natuurlik onbewus van mamma se ure op die internet en die hardeskyf vol prentjies, idees en resepte wat spesiaal vir die groot geleentheid gewerf word. MAAR dit is liefiekind se eerste tweede groot geleentheid en al verstaan sy nie nou nie gaan sy oor twintig jaar die fotos kyk en dan wil ek nog steeds trots wees.

Ek is mal verlief op my kind en ek kan nie glo dat mens vir so `n klein wesetjie so ongelooflik lief kan wees nie. Elke dag kyk ek in haar vrolike gesiggie en dan staan ek elke keer verstom oor die engel in my arms. Janke is die rustigste, gelukkigste, maklikste baba wat ek nog ooit teegekom het en ek kan nie glo sy is myne nie. Sy het die kleinste hartjie en kan so vinnig hartseer raak as iemand net hard praat of ongelukkig is. Sy het so `n fyn waarnemingsvermoe en ek verstom my dat sy so oplettend is. 

Elke dag is `n happy dag in my engel se lewe en sy is soos `n flindertjie wat net heeltyd die sonkant vang. Sy het nie regtig nukke en grille nie. Sy speel vir ure by haarself en vermaak haar met allerhande onbenullighede. Sy klap haar handjies en lag en gesels. Ek beny haar, sy is so onskuldig gelukkig.

Jankie gee nou al self soentjies! Sy is vrek suinig daarmee en elke keer as sy vir my `n wetone gee dan raak ek sommer tranerig. Sy is nog so bietjie dom met die soenery en partykeer is dit sulke lekker sopnat oopbek gedoentes maar my hart klop wild en ek gryp elke keer die oomblik met al my hande aan. Ek kan nog steeds nie glo dat sy vir MY lief is en dit uit vrye wil nie. Dit is net ongelooklik hoeveel vertroue sy in my as mamma stel en elke keer s sy daardie armpies uitgooi as sy hartseer is en net vir MY wil he dan is die ou moederhart darem maar week en aangedaan. Dit bly maar net vir my die mees ongelooflike gevoel........

A tiny heart....

When I am upset and confused my world comes to a standstill and I think of nothing else. When a little heart is turned upside down and gets confused, how do they deal with it when there is not a mommy around to hug and make it all better?

This weekend I had two, tiny little hearts that was upset and confused. None of whom could express their feelings in words. Janke was upset by the presence of a little boy  that she did not know and that took a lot of mommy`s time. Time that is usually devoted only to her. I had a little boy on a big adventure that did not understand why he suddenly spend so much time with strangers. A little boy that longed for his home in the orphanage, the only place he knows as home and truly feels safe. I am upset with a social worker that should have known better......

My heart is broken because I had such high hopes and they came tumbling down on me. I am upset that my child is upset and I am upset that my household did not cope with another child. I thought we were ready......

Anyway, I pray that I did not break his heart and that he would come to visit again if I promise that this time we will take baby steps.

I still have so many dreams but I received a healthy wake up call. Next time will be better, I promise.....

True words....

Meeting the little man that might become Boeta

Today I walked down my path a few more steps. I spoke with the social worker at our local house of safety and we are going to meet our little man "officially" on Saturday afternoon. I`ve spend most of the afternoon looking at boys` room decor and I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. It is going to look so awesome when it is done.

I have to caution myself that I do not get carried away because there are so many things that might go wrong but I so desperately believe that this little boy will fit in with us and that we can help change his future and love him as much as we love Janke already.

So this is my prayer:

Dear Lord,
You have placed the longing my heart, You have whispered the words in my ear, You have led me to the orphanage, You have placed this little man in my path, please bless us as a new family and work Your magic in his little heart. Take our hands and make us strong enough to conquer whatever life throws at us. Be the centre of our being and the glue to our family circle. We love you and we trust in You.
Amen.

The journeys that we make and the roads that we take

As previously reported, we obtained the forms from our adoption agency and chatted to them about our second adoption. Turns out that you do not get a family discount the second time round and reality is that we just can not afford it right now to even attempt those expenses. The current household budget is just not stretching far enough......

So that left me in a bit of a depression but it is much better than when I did not have a child at all. Janke is such a sunshine child and I am so much in love with her that I do not mind if she is my only blessing. But the fact remains that there is a void in my heart to love a lot more and I just can not get that little huge yearning to back off.  

When we started on the adoption route I wanted to adopt a bigger child simply because there are so many in the system and I really wanted to make a difference is someone`s life. I always felt a bit cheated that Janke came to us brand new - no, cheated is not the word - I felt like a wuss, that I got off easy and without giving anything of myself apart from loving that little angel beyond what I ever thought would be possible. So in the back of my mind I saved a space for the millions of kids that are in the system that so desperately need love and attention.

More so now that I am teaching Sunday school and some of the kids are from the orphanage in town. House of Safety it is called today. Week after week I watch them interact and speak and sometimes I catch 

them longing for something they will (probably) never have. Like this Sunday when I caught this girl looking out a bus window at us faffing over Janke in the rain making sure she remains warm and dry. The brutal desire I saw on that child`s face unsettled me so that I could not get it out of my mind and it firmly remains in the forefront of my thoughts.

So after much conversing with my husband we have decided to explore the option of becoming weekend/holiday parents with the option of fostering sometime in the future. So I chatted with the social worker at the house of safety and she invited me to come and pick up the paperwork. Should have known it is not a great idea to let an impressionable woman loose in a facility like that. 

Anyway, me and my big mouth starts chatting away and the social worker obviously picked up on my not so subtle longing to make a difference. And low and behold she tells me of this little boy aged 4 that is desperate for love and attention but have been in the system since age 2. How the hell do you resist that????

So she takes me to go and meet him - obviously he did not know - we were "visiting the caretaker". 

I found a sweet, shy little boy with a bit of a stutter - a little boy that I can love and nurture.

So after the initial excitement has warned off, the insecurities started. Will this be good for Janke?, will I be able to set the example he so desperately needs?, will I be able to commit for an extended period of time? - you kind of want to be committed with something like this......you are not dealing with a puppy here.......
Will we have extra money to spoil him and let him experience the things that kids will love? Will I be able to deal with the disappointment if he does not become the person I envisioned for him? I am sure if I keep at it the list will get longer and longer and then I will never do it.

So what are we to do....the headgirl in me wants to get with the programme and get going....
For now I have decided to go through the motions and get all the paperwork and approvals done. Once that is in place we will gradually get more involved. I will be spending lots of time in prayer about this. I want to be certain that my heart is in the right place and that there is peace in my heart to deal with whatever is going to come my way.

The one thing that is absolutely certain is that I MUST do something.......no child deserves to be placed in the system and then have to live off scraps of love and attention. Whatever road  I will take to on this journey   have already been paved by the Father and I pray for the commitment and perseverance to walk the talk...... ......

To Boeta or not to Boeta

So much thinking, discussing, overthinking, soul searching, discussions, mind changes, reality checks and further discussions goes into the subject of having kids that it is actually a tiresome exercise. Further more so when you are adopting and there are added complications to colour in your already hectic looking picture. So when the decision is made you have to time everything right because yet again nothing is in your hands. You have to live 12 - 18 months into the future, start at the actual outcome you desire and then work your way back.  

The fun of trying to make a baby is not your first port of call. Nothing can be further from the truth. We start at the budget and the finances because there are costs involved even before you "try for a baby". When the battle to make the finances work and the mountain of paperwork are being worked through there is not a whole lot of lust or energy left.

It is so different the second time round. With Janke we decided to leave no stone untouched. We were desperate to make it work. We also had the savings to back this feverish need for a child. But a year down the line with a long list of "life just happens" we are in a very different situation. Now paying the services of an adoption agency has to come from the household budget and that is a scary reality that makes your throat pull tight.

When we got the paperwork the first time I completed it that very first night. I was so excited and the A type personality in me needed to get it back to the agency in no time. Now the scary white envelope is lying on the kitchen table and I know that when those forms are completed and submitted I will not be the happy receiver of two pink lines on a pregnancy test but an envelope with a window will be added to the pile already waiting.

I so much want to give Janke a sibling. Someone that looks just like she does. Someone that will hopefully be there for her when we are not able to. Another playmate and hopefully soulmate in the house that she can share with. That will understand when mommy doesn`t. A little brother that will tease and irritate her and mess with her dolls. Another little soul in the house to share our life with.

At the moment the reality is that little brother is a very expensive item that might have to move to the "nice to have" side of the budget. It just breaks my heart......

Moedersdag

Vir `n hele paar jaar het ek Moedersdag omgeslaap want dit was net nie MY dag nie, letterlik en figuurlik nie my dag nie! En hier is 2013 en my eerste Moedersdag is `n week weg .....en ek is besig om my tas te pak - vir Durban.....my werk neem my weg op die belangrikste dag van MY jaar vir die belangrikse week van HULLE jaar.

My hart breek, my hart rebelleer en my hart huil groot krokodil trane. Ek het nie eens die hoop van volgende jaar nie want vir elke jaar hierna wat ek vir hierdie maatskappy werk gaan ek in Durban wees op MY groot dag.

Maar wat is in `n dag?
Wat aan moedersdag maak dat dit vir my belangrik is?

Is dit omdat ek actually een is - uiteindelik - of omdat ek ook nou deel is van die moedersklub?
Kan aangenome moeders nie hulle eie dag kry nie? Een wat nie in die middel van Indaba is nie?

Hoekom ek vir my eie mamma lief is .......

Genade en baie skaterlag oomblikke

Ek het so lanklaas geblog dat ek skoon sleg voel maar deesdae is min van my tyd my eie, so nou sit ek by die werk en blog soos `n goeie werknemer betaam....

Janke se hofbevel het ge-arriveer so nou is sy amptelik en offisieel ons eie kindjie. Die datum stempel op die brief wys 31 Januarie 2013. Ons is in die proses om haar naam en van te laat verander. Daar gaan `n groot makietie wees as ons hierdie proses afgehandel het.

Sussa is op die 3de Maart gedoop in die NG Moedergemeente Wellington deur Ds. Lettie Buchner. Dit was so `n mooi geleentheid en daar was blykbaar baie trane orals in die kerk. Ek het alles gemis, weet nie hoe nie  maar daardie dag was so deurmekaar dat ek min dinge waargeneem het wat nie met `n koek of `n koffiekoppie te doen gehad het nie. Janke Marjolein Gerber is voorgestel aan die gemeente en susgoed het klaar baie harte gesteel. Ons het heerlik gekuier saam met die familie en vriende wat van vêr gekom het en ons is so dankbaar dat hulle almal ons lewe deel.

Gedurende ons doopgesprek het Ds. Lettie so mooi van Janke se biologiese ouers gepraat en haar toe in gebed aan die Vader opgedra en haar vrygespreek van haar "vorige lewe" en al daardie ongekende gene en dinge wat so nou en dan oor my skouer kom loer. Ds. Lettie het verduidelik dat Janke die Vader se kind is en dat Hy haar persoonlik kom vrymaak het van haar verlede en die bande geknip het. Dit het so baie vir my beteken en van nou af spreek ek net lewe oor ons kind (en haar onaardse ge-gil). Sy bring so baie vreugde in ons lewe dat ek nie gaan toelaat dat daar `n skaduwee oor my val omdat ek die wa voor die osse span nie.

Sussie is te oulik vir woorde. Die spesiaalste tyd van die dag is as ek van die werk af kom. As Janke my sien dan is dit asof die son oor haar gesiggie opkom en dan begin sy so skop met haar voetjies en dan gooi sy haar armpies vir my om haar op te tel. Ek is mal daaroor en dan pomp die ou moederhart sommer so lekker warm.

Sy trek die snaakste gesigte. Ek lag so lekker vir haar as sy so aangaan. Soms maak sy haar ogies so snaaks, ek wens so ek kan dit afneem maar sy is so vinnig as sy haar gesig so trek. Partykeer dan gooi sy haar koppie so agteroor en dan lag sy so lekker uit haar magie uit maar daar kom geen klank uit haar mond uit nie. Dit is die weirdste ding wat ek nog gesien het. 

Janke het reeds tienermaniere. Sy lê altyd op haar een boud met haar been oor iets gedrapeer, net soos `n tiener. Of sy sitlê op haar stuitjie, dan skop sy so met haar voetjie op en af, nes `n grootmens. Sy lyk dan so snaaks want jy kan aan die hele ou lyfie sien daar is nie `n bekommernis van enige aard nie. In haar gedagtes is sy êrnes op `n tropiese eiland met `n swetterjoel slawe.

Nes `n tiener het Sussa ook haar oomblike van onredelike uitbarstings, trane, verwyte en afpersing. Sy is nou maar eers 7 maande oud. Op die oomblik dra "tande kry" die skuld. Mamma se liefde en geduld word dan baie getoets hoor want ai Susgoed kan moeilik raak Dit is in hierdie oomblikke wat pappa skoon wegraak.

Badtyd is nog steeds hoog op die prioriteitslys. Mamma hou die heel meeste van die badeendjies en ons het nou al `n verskeidenheid. Dit is so cute as hulle so rond dobber. Die beste deel van bad is daardie lekker vet ou lyfie en boude wat ek net wil hap so oulik is hulle. As jy daai klere uit het is Sussa sommer stuitig en as die doek eers waai dan is sussie op haar gelukkigste. Maar daardie ou lyfie wat so lekker sag is maak my hart week.

Ek kan nie glo ons lewe het so verander maar tog ook so maklik aangegaan nie. Ek wil graag vir drie dae aanmekaar slaap en tog weet ek nie wat ek ooit met al my tyd gemaak het nie. Partyaande is ek voor Janke al aan die slaap en tog slaap sy deur. Ag ek kla sommer nou met `n witbrood onder die arm. Ek verruil my mamma status vir niks nie. Ek love dit!

Monthly baby bump pictures

Somewhere this week I found some miracle time to surf the net, catch up on my favourite blogs and do the Facebook thing. Somehow I landed on a friend`s page and started browsing her pictures. There they were, the album with the baby bump pictures.......

I think there must have been a picture for every one of the 40 weeks that she was pregnant, at every angle a bump can be photographed. While I browsed through them I thought to myself.....I am so happy I didn`t have the bump! I am truly and honestly grateful that I did not sport the bump and posed for the designer belly photo shoot. How awkward......

Is this self defence? Is this my deep inner person protecting me from something that I did not long for nor miss?

I always said that I am so happy that I never got to be pregnant as I find it terrifying that so many things could go wrong before that precious little one is even born. I honestly found it to be the least wonderful thing of becoming a mom and somehow I always knew that I would be one of those awkward looking whales that did not glow but sported dull hair and blotchy red skin.

I do however miss never seeing a positive pregnancy test (those stick ones, saw loads of negative ones though) and I miss that I never got to feel Janke move in my belly. I think that must be the most precious thing that a mother can treasure just by herself. She never ever have to share that sensation with anyone. I miss that I did not get to have that one thing. Kobus and myself shared every single moment of the journey and I am so blessed that he was so involved but I do regret that intimate moment that I would have liked to have with my baby girl.

Weird or not, self defence or denial, whatever it is I am grateful for the manner in which I became a mom. It happened the way it was intended to be al along. I was comfortable, my hair looked great, my skin was glowing and my make up was perfectly done.