Somewhere this week I found some miracle time to surf the net, catch up on my favourite blogs and do the Facebook thing. Somehow I landed on a friend`s page and started browsing her pictures. There they were, the album with the baby bump pictures.......
I think there must have been a picture for every one of the 40 weeks that she was pregnant, at every angle a bump can be photographed. While I browsed through them I thought to myself.....I am so happy I didn`t have the bump! I am truly and honestly grateful that I did not sport the bump and posed for the designer belly photo shoot. How awkward......
Is this self defence? Is this my deep inner person protecting me from something that I did not long for nor miss?
I always said that I am so happy that I never got to be pregnant as I find it terrifying that so many things could go wrong before that precious little one is even born. I honestly found it to be the least wonderful thing of becoming a mom and somehow I always knew that I would be one of those awkward looking whales that did not glow but sported dull hair and blotchy red skin.
I do however miss never seeing a positive pregnancy test (those stick ones, saw loads of negative ones though) and I miss that I never got to feel Janke move in my belly. I think that must be the most precious thing that a mother can treasure just by herself. She never ever have to share that sensation with anyone. I miss that I did not get to have that one thing. Kobus and myself shared every single moment of the journey and I am so blessed that he was so involved but I do regret that intimate moment that I would have liked to have with my baby girl.
Weird or not, self defence or denial, whatever it is I am grateful for the manner in which I became a mom. It happened the way it was intended to be al along. I was comfortable, my hair looked great, my skin was glowing and my make up was perfectly done.
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