Meeting the little man that might become Boeta

Today I walked down my path a few more steps. I spoke with the social worker at our local house of safety and we are going to meet our little man "officially" on Saturday afternoon. I`ve spend most of the afternoon looking at boys` room decor and I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. It is going to look so awesome when it is done.

I have to caution myself that I do not get carried away because there are so many things that might go wrong but I so desperately believe that this little boy will fit in with us and that we can help change his future and love him as much as we love Janke already.

So this is my prayer:

Dear Lord,
You have placed the longing my heart, You have whispered the words in my ear, You have led me to the orphanage, You have placed this little man in my path, please bless us as a new family and work Your magic in his little heart. Take our hands and make us strong enough to conquer whatever life throws at us. Be the centre of our being and the glue to our family circle. We love you and we trust in You.
Amen.

The journeys that we make and the roads that we take

As previously reported, we obtained the forms from our adoption agency and chatted to them about our second adoption. Turns out that you do not get a family discount the second time round and reality is that we just can not afford it right now to even attempt those expenses. The current household budget is just not stretching far enough......

So that left me in a bit of a depression but it is much better than when I did not have a child at all. Janke is such a sunshine child and I am so much in love with her that I do not mind if she is my only blessing. But the fact remains that there is a void in my heart to love a lot more and I just can not get that little huge yearning to back off.  

When we started on the adoption route I wanted to adopt a bigger child simply because there are so many in the system and I really wanted to make a difference is someone`s life. I always felt a bit cheated that Janke came to us brand new - no, cheated is not the word - I felt like a wuss, that I got off easy and without giving anything of myself apart from loving that little angel beyond what I ever thought would be possible. So in the back of my mind I saved a space for the millions of kids that are in the system that so desperately need love and attention.

More so now that I am teaching Sunday school and some of the kids are from the orphanage in town. House of Safety it is called today. Week after week I watch them interact and speak and sometimes I catch 

them longing for something they will (probably) never have. Like this Sunday when I caught this girl looking out a bus window at us faffing over Janke in the rain making sure she remains warm and dry. The brutal desire I saw on that child`s face unsettled me so that I could not get it out of my mind and it firmly remains in the forefront of my thoughts.

So after much conversing with my husband we have decided to explore the option of becoming weekend/holiday parents with the option of fostering sometime in the future. So I chatted with the social worker at the house of safety and she invited me to come and pick up the paperwork. Should have known it is not a great idea to let an impressionable woman loose in a facility like that. 

Anyway, me and my big mouth starts chatting away and the social worker obviously picked up on my not so subtle longing to make a difference. And low and behold she tells me of this little boy aged 4 that is desperate for love and attention but have been in the system since age 2. How the hell do you resist that????

So she takes me to go and meet him - obviously he did not know - we were "visiting the caretaker". 

I found a sweet, shy little boy with a bit of a stutter - a little boy that I can love and nurture.

So after the initial excitement has warned off, the insecurities started. Will this be good for Janke?, will I be able to set the example he so desperately needs?, will I be able to commit for an extended period of time? - you kind of want to be committed with something like this......you are not dealing with a puppy here.......
Will we have extra money to spoil him and let him experience the things that kids will love? Will I be able to deal with the disappointment if he does not become the person I envisioned for him? I am sure if I keep at it the list will get longer and longer and then I will never do it.

So what are we to do....the headgirl in me wants to get with the programme and get going....
For now I have decided to go through the motions and get all the paperwork and approvals done. Once that is in place we will gradually get more involved. I will be spending lots of time in prayer about this. I want to be certain that my heart is in the right place and that there is peace in my heart to deal with whatever is going to come my way.

The one thing that is absolutely certain is that I MUST do something.......no child deserves to be placed in the system and then have to live off scraps of love and attention. Whatever road  I will take to on this journey   have already been paved by the Father and I pray for the commitment and perseverance to walk the talk...... ......

To Boeta or not to Boeta

So much thinking, discussing, overthinking, soul searching, discussions, mind changes, reality checks and further discussions goes into the subject of having kids that it is actually a tiresome exercise. Further more so when you are adopting and there are added complications to colour in your already hectic looking picture. So when the decision is made you have to time everything right because yet again nothing is in your hands. You have to live 12 - 18 months into the future, start at the actual outcome you desire and then work your way back.  

The fun of trying to make a baby is not your first port of call. Nothing can be further from the truth. We start at the budget and the finances because there are costs involved even before you "try for a baby". When the battle to make the finances work and the mountain of paperwork are being worked through there is not a whole lot of lust or energy left.

It is so different the second time round. With Janke we decided to leave no stone untouched. We were desperate to make it work. We also had the savings to back this feverish need for a child. But a year down the line with a long list of "life just happens" we are in a very different situation. Now paying the services of an adoption agency has to come from the household budget and that is a scary reality that makes your throat pull tight.

When we got the paperwork the first time I completed it that very first night. I was so excited and the A type personality in me needed to get it back to the agency in no time. Now the scary white envelope is lying on the kitchen table and I know that when those forms are completed and submitted I will not be the happy receiver of two pink lines on a pregnancy test but an envelope with a window will be added to the pile already waiting.

I so much want to give Janke a sibling. Someone that looks just like she does. Someone that will hopefully be there for her when we are not able to. Another playmate and hopefully soulmate in the house that she can share with. That will understand when mommy doesn`t. A little brother that will tease and irritate her and mess with her dolls. Another little soul in the house to share our life with.

At the moment the reality is that little brother is a very expensive item that might have to move to the "nice to have" side of the budget. It just breaks my heart......

Moedersdag

Vir `n hele paar jaar het ek Moedersdag omgeslaap want dit was net nie MY dag nie, letterlik en figuurlik nie my dag nie! En hier is 2013 en my eerste Moedersdag is `n week weg .....en ek is besig om my tas te pak - vir Durban.....my werk neem my weg op die belangrikste dag van MY jaar vir die belangrikse week van HULLE jaar.

My hart breek, my hart rebelleer en my hart huil groot krokodil trane. Ek het nie eens die hoop van volgende jaar nie want vir elke jaar hierna wat ek vir hierdie maatskappy werk gaan ek in Durban wees op MY groot dag.

Maar wat is in `n dag?
Wat aan moedersdag maak dat dit vir my belangrik is?

Is dit omdat ek actually een is - uiteindelik - of omdat ek ook nou deel is van die moedersklub?
Kan aangenome moeders nie hulle eie dag kry nie? Een wat nie in die middel van Indaba is nie?

Hoekom ek vir my eie mamma lief is .......

Genade en baie skaterlag oomblikke

Ek het so lanklaas geblog dat ek skoon sleg voel maar deesdae is min van my tyd my eie, so nou sit ek by die werk en blog soos `n goeie werknemer betaam....

Janke se hofbevel het ge-arriveer so nou is sy amptelik en offisieel ons eie kindjie. Die datum stempel op die brief wys 31 Januarie 2013. Ons is in die proses om haar naam en van te laat verander. Daar gaan `n groot makietie wees as ons hierdie proses afgehandel het.

Sussa is op die 3de Maart gedoop in die NG Moedergemeente Wellington deur Ds. Lettie Buchner. Dit was so `n mooi geleentheid en daar was blykbaar baie trane orals in die kerk. Ek het alles gemis, weet nie hoe nie  maar daardie dag was so deurmekaar dat ek min dinge waargeneem het wat nie met `n koek of `n koffiekoppie te doen gehad het nie. Janke Marjolein Gerber is voorgestel aan die gemeente en susgoed het klaar baie harte gesteel. Ons het heerlik gekuier saam met die familie en vriende wat van vêr gekom het en ons is so dankbaar dat hulle almal ons lewe deel.

Gedurende ons doopgesprek het Ds. Lettie so mooi van Janke se biologiese ouers gepraat en haar toe in gebed aan die Vader opgedra en haar vrygespreek van haar "vorige lewe" en al daardie ongekende gene en dinge wat so nou en dan oor my skouer kom loer. Ds. Lettie het verduidelik dat Janke die Vader se kind is en dat Hy haar persoonlik kom vrymaak het van haar verlede en die bande geknip het. Dit het so baie vir my beteken en van nou af spreek ek net lewe oor ons kind (en haar onaardse ge-gil). Sy bring so baie vreugde in ons lewe dat ek nie gaan toelaat dat daar `n skaduwee oor my val omdat ek die wa voor die osse span nie.

Sussie is te oulik vir woorde. Die spesiaalste tyd van die dag is as ek van die werk af kom. As Janke my sien dan is dit asof die son oor haar gesiggie opkom en dan begin sy so skop met haar voetjies en dan gooi sy haar armpies vir my om haar op te tel. Ek is mal daaroor en dan pomp die ou moederhart sommer so lekker warm.

Sy trek die snaakste gesigte. Ek lag so lekker vir haar as sy so aangaan. Soms maak sy haar ogies so snaaks, ek wens so ek kan dit afneem maar sy is so vinnig as sy haar gesig so trek. Partykeer dan gooi sy haar koppie so agteroor en dan lag sy so lekker uit haar magie uit maar daar kom geen klank uit haar mond uit nie. Dit is die weirdste ding wat ek nog gesien het. 

Janke het reeds tienermaniere. Sy lê altyd op haar een boud met haar been oor iets gedrapeer, net soos `n tiener. Of sy sitlê op haar stuitjie, dan skop sy so met haar voetjie op en af, nes `n grootmens. Sy lyk dan so snaaks want jy kan aan die hele ou lyfie sien daar is nie `n bekommernis van enige aard nie. In haar gedagtes is sy êrnes op `n tropiese eiland met `n swetterjoel slawe.

Nes `n tiener het Sussa ook haar oomblike van onredelike uitbarstings, trane, verwyte en afpersing. Sy is nou maar eers 7 maande oud. Op die oomblik dra "tande kry" die skuld. Mamma se liefde en geduld word dan baie getoets hoor want ai Susgoed kan moeilik raak Dit is in hierdie oomblikke wat pappa skoon wegraak.

Badtyd is nog steeds hoog op die prioriteitslys. Mamma hou die heel meeste van die badeendjies en ons het nou al `n verskeidenheid. Dit is so cute as hulle so rond dobber. Die beste deel van bad is daardie lekker vet ou lyfie en boude wat ek net wil hap so oulik is hulle. As jy daai klere uit het is Sussa sommer stuitig en as die doek eers waai dan is sussie op haar gelukkigste. Maar daardie ou lyfie wat so lekker sag is maak my hart week.

Ek kan nie glo ons lewe het so verander maar tog ook so maklik aangegaan nie. Ek wil graag vir drie dae aanmekaar slaap en tog weet ek nie wat ek ooit met al my tyd gemaak het nie. Partyaande is ek voor Janke al aan die slaap en tog slaap sy deur. Ag ek kla sommer nou met `n witbrood onder die arm. Ek verruil my mamma status vir niks nie. Ek love dit!

Monthly baby bump pictures

Somewhere this week I found some miracle time to surf the net, catch up on my favourite blogs and do the Facebook thing. Somehow I landed on a friend`s page and started browsing her pictures. There they were, the album with the baby bump pictures.......

I think there must have been a picture for every one of the 40 weeks that she was pregnant, at every angle a bump can be photographed. While I browsed through them I thought to myself.....I am so happy I didn`t have the bump! I am truly and honestly grateful that I did not sport the bump and posed for the designer belly photo shoot. How awkward......

Is this self defence? Is this my deep inner person protecting me from something that I did not long for nor miss?

I always said that I am so happy that I never got to be pregnant as I find it terrifying that so many things could go wrong before that precious little one is even born. I honestly found it to be the least wonderful thing of becoming a mom and somehow I always knew that I would be one of those awkward looking whales that did not glow but sported dull hair and blotchy red skin.

I do however miss never seeing a positive pregnancy test (those stick ones, saw loads of negative ones though) and I miss that I never got to feel Janke move in my belly. I think that must be the most precious thing that a mother can treasure just by herself. She never ever have to share that sensation with anyone. I miss that I did not get to have that one thing. Kobus and myself shared every single moment of the journey and I am so blessed that he was so involved but I do regret that intimate moment that I would have liked to have with my baby girl.

Weird or not, self defence or denial, whatever it is I am grateful for the manner in which I became a mom. It happened the way it was intended to be al along. I was comfortable, my hair looked great, my skin was glowing and my make up was perfectly done.

Moederskamers!

WAARSKUWING!!
Hier kom nou `n groot bitch sessie!!

My idee van `n moederskamer in die kerk is `n plek waar die kindertjies/babas nie op stoele hoef te sit nie en kan speel met die sagte speelgoed wat mamma inpak, vir die tannie agter haar kan kyk en haar bottel kan drink sonder dat mamma op haar senuwees raak oor sussie slurp en burb.

Ek was so verkeerd!

Dit is `n samekoms vir lui ouers met amper tiener kinders wat nie geleer het dat `n kerk nie `n speelgroep is nie. Dit verbaas my elke week hoe die betrokke ouers aandagtig na die preek kan luister terwyl haar kind die plek afbreek en dit almal irriteer behalwe vir die gegewe ouerpaar. Die kinders het ook nie geleer om stil te bly nie, nee hulle het `n volskaalse gesprek met mekaar aan die gang en rand elke nou en dan mekaar aan vir een of ander speelding.

Dit bring my by dievolgende euwel - speelgoed - wie het besluit `n zilofoon is `n great idee vir `n moederskamer? Net mooi elke speelding in die oulike twee kratte maak een of ander geluid. Mis ek iets????
En glo my die derduiweltjies lees nie die ton boeke op die rak nie, o nee hulle basuin dit uit soos die skares wat van ouds Jerigo se mure moes laat tuimel.

Ek gaan met die mooiste voorneme vir my siel om rus te kry sodat ek met my Skepper kan praat maar meantime sit en dien ek die duiwel en beplan ten minste twee moorde! Eish! Het mense nie meer maniere nie? Hoe selfsugtig kan hulle wees? Of is ek net preuts en agter die tyd.
Dalk moet ek maar met sussie in die kerk gaan sit en ook maak of ek blind en doof is - ten minste kan ek die diens geniet al kan niemand anders nie..........

Die engele van bo!

Ek het al vantevore ge-blog oor die engele wat oor ons pad kom maar die Vader het nog `n mense engel vir my gestuur in die vorm van Juna. Juna het op die mees amazingste manier in ons lewens beland (weereens die Here wat ons paaie laat kruis as deel van die groter plan) en ek dank Hom elke dag vir hierdie groot blessing.

Juna is Janke se assistent! Elke diva moet mos `n PA hê....
Ek kon nie vir `n beter, meer perfekte au pair gevra het nie! My kind is so gelukkig en tevrede by Tannie Juna en dit maak my hart so bly. So saam saam leer hulle mekaar ken - eintlik leer sy Janke se grille en geite ken - en net ek en Kobus kan liewer vir haar wees as Juna.

So hier is nog `n gebed in my hart:
"Liewe Vader, dankie vir engel Juna! Dankie dat sy so mooi na my kind kyk en so saggies met haar werk. Seën haar en Janke sodat hulle altyd veilig sal wees by die huis. Amen"

To love more than once?

We have settled into our new roles as parents and we are beyond madly in love with our child. She is just the be all and end all in our being and I can not imagine not having her in my life! Now that the worst excitement has worn off we confront ourselves with a new challenge......

Are we going to adopt again?

At the moment we are the perfect amount of musketeers and we are a perfect circle of love. Every night when we fit so perfectly into our bathtub I feel blessed and in awe with the joy that this little circle brings into my life.Will another little body fit in too? Will four make us great musketeers too? Will I be able to love another little sole as much as I love Janke at the moment? She has my whole heart to her exclusive use and sometimes I can not breathe at the thought of how much she is part of my being. How do I multiply this? 

I am sure every parent has these feelings and thoughts. I have been asking around and it seems that being a mom is exactly that .... to have the capacity to love (with the same intensity) all of her children equally. Feels completely foreign to me!

So as we move forward the question remain ... are we going to add to our family?

I am moving this to my prayer list because I have no clue. Every day I feel amazed by the new things that motherhood brings to me and how I cope (or don`t cope) with it. Things that I never imagined to feature in my life and conversations I never imagined I would have. The funny things that I now google and the books that I read....

So here is my prayer:

"Dear Lord, you know what is best for me and our family. You have laid out our destiny and you have given us Your prize possession, Janke. Thank you for the way you collide paths to bring us our heart`s desire. Please take our hands and guide us into the future we do not know the outcome of. When the time comes for us to add to our family we will know that it is Your doing and that this process will be as blessed as the first one was. We thank you for our blessing, Janke, and we trust you to do what is best for us! Amen"

Ons eerste feesgety!

Wat `n wonderlike feesgety was dit nie vir ons nie. Soveel eerstes vir ons as familie en as gesin.

Sussie ontmoet vir Oupa, Ouma & Ouma Grootjie!

Hoe wonderlik was dit nie om vir ouma en oupa vir die eerste keer aan Janke voor te stel nie. En hoe ongelooflik was die vreugde nie toe hulle hulle harte dadelik week raak vir my kind en haar as engelkind aanneem nie. Sy is omtrent bederf en natuurlik kon Pappa en Mamma niks regdoen nie! Ouma het elke oggend deur die venster geloer om te sien of susgoed wakker is sodat sy by hulle kan kom speel en gesels. Janke het natuurlik die charm krane wawyd oopgedraai en Oupa reg om haar klein pinkie gedraai! Ouma Anna was natuurlik die enigste een wat Sussa kon laat kraai van die lag. Ons sukkel ons as af om haar te laat giggel en ouma kyk net vir haar dan bars die laggies oor die hele gesiggie.

Kersfees as `n gesin

Verlede jaar toe ek die honde/kat kinders se geskenkkaartjies geskryf het het ek so gehuil omdat ek nie geweet het of ek ooit my eie kindjie se geskenk kaartjie sal kan skryf nie. `n Jaar later word ek so geseën dat ek `n hele hoop kaartjies kon skryf! Sussa het die oulikste geskenke gekry! Sy sal nie dadelik met al die poppe en speelgoed kan speel nie maar dit lyk soooo oulik in haar kamer! Janke het net drie geskenke oopgemaak toe is die oomblik te veel vir haar en toe wil sy gaan slapies. Mamma het dit so geniet om al haar geskenke namens haar oop te maak! Was weer pure kind!

Sussie het so oulik die geskenke oopgemaak. Die vrolike papier het dadelik haar aandag getrek en sy het ywerig geskeur en gekyk. Mamma het alles met die video kamera afgeneem en die een traan na die ander afgevee. Hoe groot kan die dankbaar heid in `n mens se hart wees vir die voorreg of vir hierdie engel lief te wees?


Janke was natuurlik aangetrek in haar beste rokke vir die groot geleentheid! Sy het `n uitrusting gehad vir Kersvader se koms en vir die groot familie ete op Kersdag! Kan nie sê dat sy die rokke vreeslik geniet het nie...die kant en net was meer in die mond as rondom die enkels. Oupa het die aantrekkery vreeslik geniet en heerlik gelag vir Susgoed as sy haar "grand entrance" elke keer maak. Die arme kind is so baie afgeneem daardie twee dae. Haar ogies moes so moeg gewees het van die kamera se flitsliggie.....

 

Maak nie saak wie kom kuier het nie, Sussa het dadelik in hulle harte gespring en almal oorrompel met haar glimlaggie en liefdetjies. Ek is so trots op my kind. Sy is net eenvoudig fantasties! So cute en gee net vir almal  glimlaggies en gesels dat die spoeg so spat!

Daar is egter nog een fototjie wat ek net moet oplaai!

Sussie ontspan langs die swembad saam met oupa!