A new journey

When the Lord is in charge it pays to keep quiet and listen! 

The past three years we have been extremely blessed to be the parents of a funny, clever, kind hearted little girl. She brings so much love and laughter in our life and I thank God everyday for the privilege to be her mom. I did however have a yearning to another little baby that I could cuddle and nurture, so the longing grew for a sibling for Janke. 

For two years we went back and forth..should we do it or should we just leave it at peace....?

Six months ago we finally made up our minds that the time is right to start our new journey. We contacted our previous adoption agency, an agency that was recommended to us and a private social worker and got the ball rolling.

While we were waiting for the agencies to get back to us we decided to choose a name for our little one ... don`t ask ... we did it with Janke before we got married ... so off to the internet we went. I sent a few options to Kobus and he liked one of them, so we had a little discussion and Anya Mari Gerber was conceived in our hearts.

The weekend that followed the conception Kobus asked to see Janke`s time capsule and together we looked through all the special things I saved for her. I found her armband that she wore in hospital at birth. I was floored when I saw the name on the armband ..... Baby Anja! Can God give you any better sign as a blessing and confirmation than that?

Time passed and we got frustrated and disappointed with the adoption system in South Africa and we decided to let go. We decided to leave it in the Hands of God to steer this ship and to let Him sort the situation for us and clear the way through the hardship. I went as far as asking him to leave a baby at my doorstep. For the very first time I let go of the reigns and trusted with my whole heart that God will know best.

Four months later (today) I get a call from the very same social worker that never responded to my pre-adoption application, follow up emails and messages. She received my application and would like to see us. So when I told her that I emailed her in July already she sounded baffled and said that she only now received my application ... can God`s hand be any more clear than this?

When I phoned Kobus with the news he just said that Anya is ready to come to us and that God is weaving lives together at this very moment to bring her to us. He is ready to accept God`s gift of another child. How awesome....?

Now we start this journey again, basking in the grace of God, walking in faith knowing that Anya is growing snugly and safely, waiting to come home...

Vol sirkel

Vandag is die een jaar herdenking van Janke se plasing by ons. Op 22 Oktober 2012 het ons die trotse ouers van `n fantastiese dogter geword. `n Dogter wat eintlik ons eie biologiese dogter is maar `n anderster ompad moes kry om by ons uit te kom. `n Dogter wat so volmaak is dat ek na 365 dae nog steeds in verwondering na haar kyk. Eindelik `n gesin.....

Vandag is ook my laaste blog artikel. Die sirkel is nou voltooi en ek gaan nou `n nuwe blog begin. Ons het al ons eerstes beleef.....van die onvrugbaarheid, deur die aanneming, die plasing, die eerste nag, dag, eerste kersfees, paasfees, eerste verjaarsdag en vandag die eerste herdenking. Nou is die verlede in die verlede en ek wil `n fun blog begin want ek het `n ongelooflike snaakse dogter! Ek wil haar uniekheid vier los van die aanneming want in my hart was daar nie `n aaneming nie, net `n verwelkoming.....

Ons was vandag by Thembiso House waar Janke haar eerste 60 dae deurgebring het en ek kon nie `n beter manier kry om die sirkel te volbring as juis op hierdie manier nie. Toekie was so opgewonde om Janke weer te sien en ons het so `n ongelooflike tuiskoms ervaar. Daar was spesiaal fototjies van ons op die kennisgewing bord en al die vrywilligers was daar om Jankie terug te verwelkom. Wat `n ongelooflike belewenis om soveel vreugde en vrede te beleef. Ek het al vantevore geblog oor die engele op die aarde maar Toekie is `n spesiale soort engel. Daardie wat die Here self met die hand kies om na sy spesiale blommekinders om te sien. Soveel liefde het ek nog nie in een mens beleef nie en die toewyding wat sy haar take mee verrig kan nie met enige iets vergelyk word nie. Dankie is so nietige woord vir soveel dankbaarheid wat ek in my hart voel vir hierdie engelmens. Toekie, dankie is al wat ek het ...... `n diepe dankbaarheid dat die Here my kind in jou sorg geplaas het oppad na ons toe. Jy sal altyd `n spesiale plekkie in ons almal se harte hê.

Ek dink vandag aan `n ander mamma met leë hande en `n hart vol herrineringe. Dankie G & S vir my wonderlike kind, dankie dat jy haar gehelp het om ons te kry en dat jy haar veilig in die wêreld ingebring het. Mag daar vir jou eendag weer `n engelkind wees wat die lag in jou hart sal bring en verwondering in jou oê!

Die kleiner sirkel is nou voltooi en ons sien uit na `n paar groter sirkels wat Janke in haar toekoms moet volbring. Ek sien uit na die toekoms en ek dank die Vader vir die voorreg om hierdie engel van hom groot te maak. Ek bid vir genade en leiding, sodat ek haar na sy beeld kan grootmaak. Ek bid vir haar vir innerlike krag en beskerming teen die bose geeste daar buite. En ek dank die Vader dat hy vir haar `n awesome pappa gegee het. Dankie Babes, jy is amazing!

Her first birthday

After much anticipation and months of planning, decorating, stress and tears the first birthday party rolled on. It looked just short off spectacular and Madame can never look at the pictures and say that I did not make an effort:) She was a happy little forest nymph in her outfit and she loved the attention and presents. She dealt with the crowds like a royal and when it was time to nap she drifted off like an angel.What a great cherry on the cake!

The birthday party was over a weekend and her actual birthday was a few days later. I wondered how I would feel on her actual date of birth and nothing prepared me for the bee in my bonnet that I did feel. The very first call of the day sent the inner cow jumping the fence. I had no involvement in Janke`s birth and the good wishes I received left me unaffected and actually a bit grumpy. This is her day and hers alone, worst of which she is sharing with another person. A person I don`t know and that is not involved in my our life. For the first time it hit me that I am the other woman. 

I can not tell her how her actual birth happened, I can not tell her how it felt - it is the only day in her whole existence that I can not tell her all the details off. I only have facts in a report.......it is something she will share with someone else her whole life.

That left me feeling incomplete for the very first time in this whole infertility adoption process. I felt cheated for the first time and it did not go down well. Big girls down cry and I will just have to get over myself because there is a lifetime of birthdays coming up and I will just have to work this one out for myself. I will have to make her placement date our special day, feels a bit like second best.....

On my mind that day was Janke`s birth mother. Through all of my own insecurities was a very deep compassion for a very young girl that also celebrates her own birthday within two days of her daughter`s. Her own birthday is a sad reminder of the circumstances surrounding both of their birthdays. I had to put my own feelings aside and think of her that will not share the first 18 birthdays, that will not share the first 18 years. At least I get to witness this and play an active role in creating the memories that will stay with her the rest of her life.That makes you step back and revisit the concept of sitting on the sidelines or taking a back seat. I took such a back seat in Janke`s birth (actualy I wasn`t even in the car) but there is also another "other woman" that is taking a back seat to Janke`s life. Then I wonder ...... which is worse.

Opdraendes en Afdraendes

My engelkind is amper een jaar oud en ons beplan woes aan haar verjaardag. Sussa is natuurlik onbewus van mamma se ure op die internet en die hardeskyf vol prentjies, idees en resepte wat spesiaal vir die groot geleentheid gewerf word. MAAR dit is liefiekind se eerste tweede groot geleentheid en al verstaan sy nie nou nie gaan sy oor twintig jaar die fotos kyk en dan wil ek nog steeds trots wees.

Ek is mal verlief op my kind en ek kan nie glo dat mens vir so `n klein wesetjie so ongelooflik lief kan wees nie. Elke dag kyk ek in haar vrolike gesiggie en dan staan ek elke keer verstom oor die engel in my arms. Janke is die rustigste, gelukkigste, maklikste baba wat ek nog ooit teegekom het en ek kan nie glo sy is myne nie. Sy het die kleinste hartjie en kan so vinnig hartseer raak as iemand net hard praat of ongelukkig is. Sy het so `n fyn waarnemingsvermoe en ek verstom my dat sy so oplettend is. 

Elke dag is `n happy dag in my engel se lewe en sy is soos `n flindertjie wat net heeltyd die sonkant vang. Sy het nie regtig nukke en grille nie. Sy speel vir ure by haarself en vermaak haar met allerhande onbenullighede. Sy klap haar handjies en lag en gesels. Ek beny haar, sy is so onskuldig gelukkig.

Jankie gee nou al self soentjies! Sy is vrek suinig daarmee en elke keer as sy vir my `n wetone gee dan raak ek sommer tranerig. Sy is nog so bietjie dom met die soenery en partykeer is dit sulke lekker sopnat oopbek gedoentes maar my hart klop wild en ek gryp elke keer die oomblik met al my hande aan. Ek kan nog steeds nie glo dat sy vir MY lief is en dit uit vrye wil nie. Dit is net ongelooklik hoeveel vertroue sy in my as mamma stel en elke keer s sy daardie armpies uitgooi as sy hartseer is en net vir MY wil he dan is die ou moederhart darem maar week en aangedaan. Dit bly maar net vir my die mees ongelooflike gevoel........

A tiny heart....

When I am upset and confused my world comes to a standstill and I think of nothing else. When a little heart is turned upside down and gets confused, how do they deal with it when there is not a mommy around to hug and make it all better?

This weekend I had two, tiny little hearts that was upset and confused. None of whom could express their feelings in words. Janke was upset by the presence of a little boy  that she did not know and that took a lot of mommy`s time. Time that is usually devoted only to her. I had a little boy on a big adventure that did not understand why he suddenly spend so much time with strangers. A little boy that longed for his home in the orphanage, the only place he knows as home and truly feels safe. I am upset with a social worker that should have known better......

My heart is broken because I had such high hopes and they came tumbling down on me. I am upset that my child is upset and I am upset that my household did not cope with another child. I thought we were ready......

Anyway, I pray that I did not break his heart and that he would come to visit again if I promise that this time we will take baby steps.

I still have so many dreams but I received a healthy wake up call. Next time will be better, I promise.....

True words....

Meeting the little man that might become Boeta

Today I walked down my path a few more steps. I spoke with the social worker at our local house of safety and we are going to meet our little man "officially" on Saturday afternoon. I`ve spend most of the afternoon looking at boys` room decor and I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do. It is going to look so awesome when it is done.

I have to caution myself that I do not get carried away because there are so many things that might go wrong but I so desperately believe that this little boy will fit in with us and that we can help change his future and love him as much as we love Janke already.

So this is my prayer:

Dear Lord,
You have placed the longing my heart, You have whispered the words in my ear, You have led me to the orphanage, You have placed this little man in my path, please bless us as a new family and work Your magic in his little heart. Take our hands and make us strong enough to conquer whatever life throws at us. Be the centre of our being and the glue to our family circle. We love you and we trust in You.
Amen.

The journeys that we make and the roads that we take

As previously reported, we obtained the forms from our adoption agency and chatted to them about our second adoption. Turns out that you do not get a family discount the second time round and reality is that we just can not afford it right now to even attempt those expenses. The current household budget is just not stretching far enough......

So that left me in a bit of a depression but it is much better than when I did not have a child at all. Janke is such a sunshine child and I am so much in love with her that I do not mind if she is my only blessing. But the fact remains that there is a void in my heart to love a lot more and I just can not get that little huge yearning to back off.  

When we started on the adoption route I wanted to adopt a bigger child simply because there are so many in the system and I really wanted to make a difference is someone`s life. I always felt a bit cheated that Janke came to us brand new - no, cheated is not the word - I felt like a wuss, that I got off easy and without giving anything of myself apart from loving that little angel beyond what I ever thought would be possible. So in the back of my mind I saved a space for the millions of kids that are in the system that so desperately need love and attention.

More so now that I am teaching Sunday school and some of the kids are from the orphanage in town. House of Safety it is called today. Week after week I watch them interact and speak and sometimes I catch 

them longing for something they will (probably) never have. Like this Sunday when I caught this girl looking out a bus window at us faffing over Janke in the rain making sure she remains warm and dry. The brutal desire I saw on that child`s face unsettled me so that I could not get it out of my mind and it firmly remains in the forefront of my thoughts.

So after much conversing with my husband we have decided to explore the option of becoming weekend/holiday parents with the option of fostering sometime in the future. So I chatted with the social worker at the house of safety and she invited me to come and pick up the paperwork. Should have known it is not a great idea to let an impressionable woman loose in a facility like that. 

Anyway, me and my big mouth starts chatting away and the social worker obviously picked up on my not so subtle longing to make a difference. And low and behold she tells me of this little boy aged 4 that is desperate for love and attention but have been in the system since age 2. How the hell do you resist that????

So she takes me to go and meet him - obviously he did not know - we were "visiting the caretaker". 

I found a sweet, shy little boy with a bit of a stutter - a little boy that I can love and nurture.

So after the initial excitement has warned off, the insecurities started. Will this be good for Janke?, will I be able to set the example he so desperately needs?, will I be able to commit for an extended period of time? - you kind of want to be committed with something like this......you are not dealing with a puppy here.......
Will we have extra money to spoil him and let him experience the things that kids will love? Will I be able to deal with the disappointment if he does not become the person I envisioned for him? I am sure if I keep at it the list will get longer and longer and then I will never do it.

So what are we to do....the headgirl in me wants to get with the programme and get going....
For now I have decided to go through the motions and get all the paperwork and approvals done. Once that is in place we will gradually get more involved. I will be spending lots of time in prayer about this. I want to be certain that my heart is in the right place and that there is peace in my heart to deal with whatever is going to come my way.

The one thing that is absolutely certain is that I MUST do something.......no child deserves to be placed in the system and then have to live off scraps of love and attention. Whatever road  I will take to on this journey   have already been paved by the Father and I pray for the commitment and perseverance to walk the talk...... ......

To Boeta or not to Boeta

So much thinking, discussing, overthinking, soul searching, discussions, mind changes, reality checks and further discussions goes into the subject of having kids that it is actually a tiresome exercise. Further more so when you are adopting and there are added complications to colour in your already hectic looking picture. So when the decision is made you have to time everything right because yet again nothing is in your hands. You have to live 12 - 18 months into the future, start at the actual outcome you desire and then work your way back.  

The fun of trying to make a baby is not your first port of call. Nothing can be further from the truth. We start at the budget and the finances because there are costs involved even before you "try for a baby". When the battle to make the finances work and the mountain of paperwork are being worked through there is not a whole lot of lust or energy left.

It is so different the second time round. With Janke we decided to leave no stone untouched. We were desperate to make it work. We also had the savings to back this feverish need for a child. But a year down the line with a long list of "life just happens" we are in a very different situation. Now paying the services of an adoption agency has to come from the household budget and that is a scary reality that makes your throat pull tight.

When we got the paperwork the first time I completed it that very first night. I was so excited and the A type personality in me needed to get it back to the agency in no time. Now the scary white envelope is lying on the kitchen table and I know that when those forms are completed and submitted I will not be the happy receiver of two pink lines on a pregnancy test but an envelope with a window will be added to the pile already waiting.

I so much want to give Janke a sibling. Someone that looks just like she does. Someone that will hopefully be there for her when we are not able to. Another playmate and hopefully soulmate in the house that she can share with. That will understand when mommy doesn`t. A little brother that will tease and irritate her and mess with her dolls. Another little soul in the house to share our life with.

At the moment the reality is that little brother is a very expensive item that might have to move to the "nice to have" side of the budget. It just breaks my heart......

Moedersdag

Vir `n hele paar jaar het ek Moedersdag omgeslaap want dit was net nie MY dag nie, letterlik en figuurlik nie my dag nie! En hier is 2013 en my eerste Moedersdag is `n week weg .....en ek is besig om my tas te pak - vir Durban.....my werk neem my weg op die belangrikste dag van MY jaar vir die belangrikse week van HULLE jaar.

My hart breek, my hart rebelleer en my hart huil groot krokodil trane. Ek het nie eens die hoop van volgende jaar nie want vir elke jaar hierna wat ek vir hierdie maatskappy werk gaan ek in Durban wees op MY groot dag.

Maar wat is in `n dag?
Wat aan moedersdag maak dat dit vir my belangrik is?

Is dit omdat ek actually een is - uiteindelik - of omdat ek ook nou deel is van die moedersklub?
Kan aangenome moeders nie hulle eie dag kry nie? Een wat nie in die middel van Indaba is nie?

Hoekom ek vir my eie mamma lief is .......