Stereotypes

You will think that in this modern day people have "seen it all". Social media brings all things human into our houses and into our hands. So why is it that cross racial families still draw so much attention? It is so long since democracy and change were established in our country that you would assume tolerance of another race is common. Why is it then that when I am seen with my children, people stare and think I crossed to the "other side". The same applies to my husband. When we are together, most of the time, people are much more tolerant of our mixed race family. Yet, there are sad individuals that stare with utter disgust on their faces. To those individuals I have a message.... 

"That little girl that you glared at, last night. has the biggest heart and has shown in her lifetime, more compassion towards people and animals than I ever thought possible. That little girl has a heart, emotions and intellect far beyond her age. She has much higher emotional intelligence than you would ever imagine. I feel rage when I see your disgusted face but I feel even worse knowing that your picture perfect daughter had shown the same disgust. Not only could you not achieve any maturity within yourself, you have let your prejudice procreate. 

This country has come a long way in accepting other races in our lives but the boundaries of prejudice is still firmly in place. I can only pray that God protects my children`s eyes from inhumane staring.... and when the day come that they do notice, that they will remain the better human being.

Signs

How many times do we pray and ask for a sign? How many times do you get a sign and completely miss it? I was lucky to miss mine when it happened but could, in hindsight piece it all together. 

While we were waiting for Janke it was an anxious and somewhat stressful time for us. A lot of people close to us did not approve, a lot of people questioned our decision, we lost some friends ... it was a bit of an eyeopener on many levels. So we asked, several times for signs that we are doing the right thing and that our decision be blessed. Anyway, I was so determined to make this work that I was not looking much for asked signs. So when my mom referred to our little one in waiting as Kayla, I was down right furious. How can grandma to be not remember our child`s name? A name we chose before we even dated properly. It is not as if we were secretive about the name either. Anyway, when the call came that there is a little one assigned to us we were over the moon with excitement that little Janke Marjolein Gerber is finally going to join our family. Did I get hit with a sign in the face in the social worker`s office when I learned that we are receiving baby Michaela in a few days time? God planted her name in my mom`s thoughts months before we received her. 

Three years later...
While we were waiting for the adoption agencies to get back to us we decided to choose a name for our newest little one ... so off to the internet we went. I sent a few options to Kobus and he liked one of them, so we had a little discussion and Anya Mari Gerber was conceived in our hearts. Marie was my grandmother`s name and I really miss her and wanted a small piece of her back in my life. 

The weekend that followed the "conception" Kobus asked to see Janke`s time capsule and together we looked through all the special things I saved for her. I found her armband that she wore in hospital at birth. I was floored when I saw the name on the armband ..... Baby Anja! Can God give you any better sign as a blessing and confirmation than that?

In 2015 God showed me Anya`s name on Janke`s hospital tag and He confirmed it again on 19 December 2016 when I saw her birth certificate for the very first time. She was registered as Lize-Marie. Our chosen name for her was Anya Mari Gerber. How more tangible do you want a sign to get? We trusted God with our journey, and He delivered it spectacularly!

So the moral of the story is this ... if you ask, and you believe, then He will deliver, one way or another. It is definitely NOT within your time frame or according to your schedule, but somehow, some way He will give you a sign that you are on the right track and that blessings will follow.

So, if you are reading this out of pure desperation (like I was when I read others`) please know that your happy ending is out there. It might not be how you planned it, it might not be the journey you chose and it might not be your timeline but He has something amazing planned for you. So look for the signs and be open-minded when that crossroad come when you might need to go down a path you never planned. There will be signs to guide you. 

An update

I saw a post from my cousin this weekend where she blogged about their journey with infertility and how they chose a completely different route to ours, for completely different reasons. It brought me back to our journey and how blessed we were with our family and that in turn brought me back to my own blog.

I realised that life happened much too fast and that time ran away with me much faster. So much has happened to our family since my last post....herewith then, an update!

Anya Mari Gerber was born on 10 October 2016 and placed with us on 20 December 2016. My best Christmas gift EVER! .... sorry babes, the Carrol Boyes comes pretty close...

Our adoption journey is now complete ... technically, but our life journey just got a lot more exciting.

Our second adoption took much longer than the first one and my patience and trust were tested over and over again. I became so despondent at one stage that I refused to buy anything for the little one in waiting. Very different from my first approach where I was ready for action from day one.
We also had a daughter already that we had to guide and coach on this adoption journey in order for her to understand what adoption really is and what it entails. Before this, the word "adoption" was just a word that she knew and a story that she knew and recited but she did not really understand. The full weight of that story and how you tell it really only dawned on us properly when we had to look into those trusting eyes and pray that the right words will be dictated to us by a higher hand.
How proud am I not of my Janke child. Embracing her story with so much joy and pride. She blossoms when she tells her story and how she became a big sister. I pray that when the time comes that we have to tell Anya her story that she too will take pride in her journey. Credit I can not take for this, I am much too inexperienced. I can only thank God that He is in control of this ship. Many days I feel like the deckhand on this vessel but I draw endless courage to know that we have the best Captain ever. 

So, here we are ...  the blessed parents of two spectacularly different divas.

Color Blind

Die stryd tussen die hart en die verstand!

Ai, die stryd tussen die hart en die verstand is `n tameletjie.
Die hart verlang en die verstand waarsku...

Dan is die hart ook nog in twee geskeur...
Hoe kan ek na `n babatjie verlang as ek reeds die mees amazing dogtertjie het wat my hele hart in haar handjie hou?

Ek tog verlang ek na `n nuwe, warm lyfie met groot ogies vol vertroue wat ek styf teen my hart kan vashou. Sy het reeds `n naam en `n oupa & ouma wat uitsien na haar koms, sy het `n Pinterest file vol fotos van hoe haar kamer gaan lyk en tog kan ek nie myself so ver kry om vir haar `n rokkie te koop nie. `n Rokkie wat ek in my kas kan bêre en kan uithaal as ek te veel verlang.

Die verstand vertel vir my van al die dinge wat nog kan skeefloop en die duiwel cheer luidkeels aan. Daar KAN nog soveel dinge verkeerd loop en tog is daar `n klein deeltjie in my verstand en `n hart vol geloof dat Anya oppad is en dat ek haar een van die dae gaan haal ... en vir ewig vashou....

A new journey

When the Lord is in charge it pays to keep quiet and listen! 

The past three years we have been extremely blessed to be the parents of a funny, clever, kind hearted little girl. She brings so much love and laughter in our life and I thank God everyday for the privilege to be her mom. I did however have a yearning to another little baby that I could cuddle and nurture, so the longing grew for a sibling for Janke. 

For two years we went back and forth..should we do it or should we just leave it at peace....?

Six months ago we finally made up our minds that the time is right to start our new journey. We contacted our previous adoption agency, an agency that was recommended to us and a private social worker and got the ball rolling.

While we were waiting for the agencies to get back to us we decided to choose a name for our little one ... don`t ask ... we did it with Janke before we got married ... so off to the internet we went. I sent a few options to Kobus and he liked one of them, so we had a little discussion and Anya Mari Gerber was conceived in our hearts.

The weekend that followed the conception Kobus asked to see Janke`s time capsule and together we looked through all the special things I saved for her. I found her armband that she wore in hospital at birth. I was floored when I saw the name on the armband ..... Baby Anja! Can God give you any better sign as a blessing and confirmation than that?

Time passed and we got frustrated and disappointed with the adoption system in South Africa and we decided to let go. We decided to leave it in the Hands of God to steer this ship and to let Him sort the situation for us and clear the way through the hardship. I went as far as asking him to leave a baby at my doorstep. For the very first time I let go of the reigns and trusted with my whole heart that God will know best.

Four months later (today) I get a call from the very same social worker that never responded to my pre-adoption application, follow up emails and messages. She received my application and would like to see us. So when I told her that I emailed her in July already she sounded baffled and said that she only now received my application ... can God`s hand be any more clear than this?

When I phoned Kobus with the news he just said that Anya is ready to come to us and that God is weaving lives together at this very moment to bring her to us. He is ready to accept God`s gift of another child. How awesome....?

Now we start this journey again, basking in the grace of God, walking in faith knowing that Anya is growing snugly and safely, waiting to come home...

Vol sirkel

Vandag is die een jaar herdenking van Janke se plasing by ons. Op 22 Oktober 2012 het ons die trotse ouers van `n fantastiese dogter geword. `n Dogter wat eintlik ons eie biologiese dogter is maar `n anderster ompad moes kry om by ons uit te kom. `n Dogter wat so volmaak is dat ek na 365 dae nog steeds in verwondering na haar kyk. Eindelik `n gesin.....

Vandag is ook my laaste blog artikel. Die sirkel is nou voltooi en ek gaan nou `n nuwe blog begin. Ons het al ons eerstes beleef.....van die onvrugbaarheid, deur die aanneming, die plasing, die eerste nag, dag, eerste kersfees, paasfees, eerste verjaarsdag en vandag die eerste herdenking. Nou is die verlede in die verlede en ek wil `n fun blog begin want ek het `n ongelooflike snaakse dogter! Ek wil haar uniekheid vier los van die aanneming want in my hart was daar nie `n aaneming nie, net `n verwelkoming.....

Ons was vandag by Thembiso House waar Janke haar eerste 60 dae deurgebring het en ek kon nie `n beter manier kry om die sirkel te volbring as juis op hierdie manier nie. Toekie was so opgewonde om Janke weer te sien en ons het so `n ongelooflike tuiskoms ervaar. Daar was spesiaal fototjies van ons op die kennisgewing bord en al die vrywilligers was daar om Jankie terug te verwelkom. Wat `n ongelooflike belewenis om soveel vreugde en vrede te beleef. Ek het al vantevore geblog oor die engele op die aarde maar Toekie is `n spesiale soort engel. Daardie wat die Here self met die hand kies om na sy spesiale blommekinders om te sien. Soveel liefde het ek nog nie in een mens beleef nie en die toewyding wat sy haar take mee verrig kan nie met enige iets vergelyk word nie. Dankie is so nietige woord vir soveel dankbaarheid wat ek in my hart voel vir hierdie engelmens. Toekie, dankie is al wat ek het ...... `n diepe dankbaarheid dat die Here my kind in jou sorg geplaas het oppad na ons toe. Jy sal altyd `n spesiale plekkie in ons almal se harte hê.

Ek dink vandag aan `n ander mamma met leë hande en `n hart vol herrineringe. Dankie G & S vir my wonderlike kind, dankie dat jy haar gehelp het om ons te kry en dat jy haar veilig in die wêreld ingebring het. Mag daar vir jou eendag weer `n engelkind wees wat die lag in jou hart sal bring en verwondering in jou oê!

Die kleiner sirkel is nou voltooi en ons sien uit na `n paar groter sirkels wat Janke in haar toekoms moet volbring. Ek sien uit na die toekoms en ek dank die Vader vir die voorreg om hierdie engel van hom groot te maak. Ek bid vir genade en leiding, sodat ek haar na sy beeld kan grootmaak. Ek bid vir haar vir innerlike krag en beskerming teen die bose geeste daar buite. En ek dank die Vader dat hy vir haar `n awesome pappa gegee het. Dankie Babes, jy is amazing!

Her first birthday

After much anticipation and months of planning, decorating, stress and tears the first birthday party rolled on. It looked just short off spectacular and Madame can never look at the pictures and say that I did not make an effort:) She was a happy little forest nymph in her outfit and she loved the attention and presents. She dealt with the crowds like a royal and when it was time to nap she drifted off like an angel.What a great cherry on the cake!

The birthday party was over a weekend and her actual birthday was a few days later. I wondered how I would feel on her actual date of birth and nothing prepared me for the bee in my bonnet that I did feel. The very first call of the day sent the inner cow jumping the fence. I had no involvement in Janke`s birth and the good wishes I received left me unaffected and actually a bit grumpy. This is her day and hers alone, worst of which she is sharing with another person. A person I don`t know and that is not involved in my our life. For the first time it hit me that I am the other woman. 

I can not tell her how her actual birth happened, I can not tell her how it felt - it is the only day in her whole existence that I can not tell her all the details off. I only have facts in a report.......it is something she will share with someone else her whole life.

That left me feeling incomplete for the very first time in this whole infertility adoption process. I felt cheated for the first time and it did not go down well. Big girls down cry and I will just have to get over myself because there is a lifetime of birthdays coming up and I will just have to work this one out for myself. I will have to make her placement date our special day, feels a bit like second best.....

On my mind that day was Janke`s birth mother. Through all of my own insecurities was a very deep compassion for a very young girl that also celebrates her own birthday within two days of her daughter`s. Her own birthday is a sad reminder of the circumstances surrounding both of their birthdays. I had to put my own feelings aside and think of her that will not share the first 18 birthdays, that will not share the first 18 years. At least I get to witness this and play an active role in creating the memories that will stay with her the rest of her life.That makes you step back and revisit the concept of sitting on the sidelines or taking a back seat. I took such a back seat in Janke`s birth (actualy I wasn`t even in the car) but there is also another "other woman" that is taking a back seat to Janke`s life. Then I wonder ...... which is worse.

Opdraendes en Afdraendes

My engelkind is amper een jaar oud en ons beplan woes aan haar verjaardag. Sussa is natuurlik onbewus van mamma se ure op die internet en die hardeskyf vol prentjies, idees en resepte wat spesiaal vir die groot geleentheid gewerf word. MAAR dit is liefiekind se eerste tweede groot geleentheid en al verstaan sy nie nou nie gaan sy oor twintig jaar die fotos kyk en dan wil ek nog steeds trots wees.

Ek is mal verlief op my kind en ek kan nie glo dat mens vir so `n klein wesetjie so ongelooflik lief kan wees nie. Elke dag kyk ek in haar vrolike gesiggie en dan staan ek elke keer verstom oor die engel in my arms. Janke is die rustigste, gelukkigste, maklikste baba wat ek nog ooit teegekom het en ek kan nie glo sy is myne nie. Sy het die kleinste hartjie en kan so vinnig hartseer raak as iemand net hard praat of ongelukkig is. Sy het so `n fyn waarnemingsvermoe en ek verstom my dat sy so oplettend is. 

Elke dag is `n happy dag in my engel se lewe en sy is soos `n flindertjie wat net heeltyd die sonkant vang. Sy het nie regtig nukke en grille nie. Sy speel vir ure by haarself en vermaak haar met allerhande onbenullighede. Sy klap haar handjies en lag en gesels. Ek beny haar, sy is so onskuldig gelukkig.

Jankie gee nou al self soentjies! Sy is vrek suinig daarmee en elke keer as sy vir my `n wetone gee dan raak ek sommer tranerig. Sy is nog so bietjie dom met die soenery en partykeer is dit sulke lekker sopnat oopbek gedoentes maar my hart klop wild en ek gryp elke keer die oomblik met al my hande aan. Ek kan nog steeds nie glo dat sy vir MY lief is en dit uit vrye wil nie. Dit is net ongelooklik hoeveel vertroue sy in my as mamma stel en elke keer s sy daardie armpies uitgooi as sy hartseer is en net vir MY wil he dan is die ou moederhart darem maar week en aangedaan. Dit bly maar net vir my die mees ongelooflike gevoel........

A tiny heart....

When I am upset and confused my world comes to a standstill and I think of nothing else. When a little heart is turned upside down and gets confused, how do they deal with it when there is not a mommy around to hug and make it all better?

This weekend I had two, tiny little hearts that was upset and confused. None of whom could express their feelings in words. Janke was upset by the presence of a little boy  that she did not know and that took a lot of mommy`s time. Time that is usually devoted only to her. I had a little boy on a big adventure that did not understand why he suddenly spend so much time with strangers. A little boy that longed for his home in the orphanage, the only place he knows as home and truly feels safe. I am upset with a social worker that should have known better......

My heart is broken because I had such high hopes and they came tumbling down on me. I am upset that my child is upset and I am upset that my household did not cope with another child. I thought we were ready......

Anyway, I pray that I did not break his heart and that he would come to visit again if I promise that this time we will take baby steps.

I still have so many dreams but I received a healthy wake up call. Next time will be better, I promise.....